


hard to let go

by NekoFirefoxy



Category: White Collar
Genre: Character Death, Drama, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Grief/Mourning, Hurt/Comfort, Loss
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-06-13
Updated: 2014-06-15
Packaged: 2018-02-04 11:49:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Major Character Death
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,711
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1777945
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NekoFirefoxy/pseuds/NekoFirefoxy
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>This had been lingering on my mind for some time and sometimes it won't let go of you. Certain scenarios are scary and keep haunting the mind. And the death of characters I grew fond of is a major one of them. This story could contain spoilers for season 6 (I don't know what's in the books but it could happen what would be my personal worst case). </p><p>So even though I also kill someone off here I hope you enjoy reading it.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: I don't own anything except for the weird ideas in my head. White Collar and its characters belong to USA network and Jeff Eastin.

People like him were quite used to lose those close to them. Sometimes they just left and went away, other ones were taken away by authorities and some were taken away by tragic incidents. Times like this had happened to him more than once but this time it was the hardest. To let loved ones go was quite unbearable to endure. The pain to realize they would never come back, that their laughter would never be heard anymore. People who dared to live a life like this were used to stay away from close connections to others to prevent themselves and others from getting hurt but sometimes it happened that things change. Sometimes a change for the better seemed possible, the outlook on a different and quite normal life. And he had dreamed about it every now and then when someone special appeared in his life. But just as other times before it only ended to seem a dream that would never come true. It wasn't the first funeral service with an open coffin he had to attend but this time he quite couldn't drag his feet to move forward to say goodbye to the one he lost. There weren't much people at the funeral service. This seemed to be the price for a life lived anonymously with no real identity. But a few people had come and he knew them all. Though he wasn't quite sure if they did it just for him so he wouldn't be all alone here or if they were here because they cared for the person they had to let go today. It were only a few steps more to the coffin but it took all of his strength to go forward.  
“Go on, dear. I know it's hard,” he heard a gentle female voice behind while softly nudging him to take another step. Neal turned around to look at June and slowly shook his head.  
“I don't want it to be real. We barely had time together and now...”  
“I know but it is important to say goodbye.”  
Neal tried to choke down the tears sitting like a lump in his throat when he made his way forward to the coffin. He remembered all the things he had wanted to say but couldn't anymore. When he looked at the familiar face it seemed like she would only be sleeping able to wake up any second but this kind of thought was futile and stupid. Nothing would bring her back not even for one single moment. Being honest and wiling to change her life killed her in the end. Rebecca Lowe was dead just like she had buried her former self Rachel Turner a long time ago. Neal could recall every second and every single word they had spoken the last time they had seen each other. She had been so happy she might get a chance to change her life for the better. She had started to tell everything she knew about the people she was working for and who had been responsible for Neal's kidnapping. It had been her helping the investigation to find him. It was some kind of relief she could finally talk and free herself from her past. On her way to another interrogation about the people she had been working for she caught a bullet that had been meant for Neal. It had happened all too fast and Neal thought he would never get rid of the picture how she died heavily bleeding on the street. Her last few words were still pounding in his ears: 'I love you, Neal.' She had taken her last breath in his arms hopefully dying with the feeling of being loved and not alone. Not only him but also the rest of the team might never forget how Neal had been sitting there on the street how he was cradling her dead body in his arms and begging her not to leave him. Neal didn't want to let go of her. The closer the paramedics came and the more they asked him to let go of her the closer he pulled her trying to hide her from the world and himself from the fact she was dead. In the end it had been Diana who could get to him so he would let go of the woman who wouldn't come back to him. Diana wanted to lead Neal away from the scene but when h saw how they put Rebecca into one of those body bags he finally broke down. The quite howling noise that reminded of an wounded animal escaped his throat. Everyone of them thought they would never get that noise out of their heads. It had been the pure expression of pain over a loss. It was a tough task to keep Neal from running over to pull her out of that body bag again. They couldn't recall how they got Neal away from the scene but they remembered very easily how he sat apathetically in the van, smudgy with her blood and mumbling her name over and over again. And now Rebecca laid here because they all had underestimated the impact of what she had started to confess. But it seemed to be true that death suited some people and Rebecca didn't seem to be an exception. Neal had to admit to himself she looked beautiful in a black dress which she had worn when they had been at the Clifton. Looking at her pale face and stroking softly over her cold cheek reality finally hit him that she was gone. In that second Neal would haven given everything to have one last moment with her to look into her crystal blue eyes and tell her everything he couldn't. But no matter how much he wished for this it wouldn't happen. Neal bent over her and softly placed a kiss on her lips. It hurt him so much she couldn't respond to that kiss like she used to. Neal still remembered their first kiss when she had quite jumped into him after they had discovered the puzzle of the codex.  
“I love you so much, Rebecca and I miss you,” he whispered into her ears even though she couldn't hear him. After another kiss on her forehead Neal went over to the small speaker's desk.  
“During the last days I thought a lot about the things I should say today but in the end I'm sure there are never the right words to say goodbye to a beloved person. I wanna thank you all for being here today even though most of us would have gotten good reasons to stay away. I'm sure Rebecca would also be surprised and thankful that there were people who cared about her and are here today to think of her. It is sad to admit it but even I barely knew who she really was but I know the woman she wanted to be for the rest of her life. It is tragic she had to pay such a high price for making the right decision. We talked about it during our last conversations and she knew which risk she took. I thought for some time the woman I fell in love with was nothing more than an alias, a ruse I fell for but she was right. All the things I adored already were within her personality. But I don't wanna talk about deceptions or anything else. I want to talk about what I will remember about Rebecca. I still remember her bright smile the first time we saw each other, the sparkling in her eyes when she got excited about something, her habit of pushing a strand of hair behind her ears when she got flustered and her wonderful sleepy smile when she woke up next to me. I love her for being smart and witty and how she tilted her head a bit when she took in the bouquet of a wine. Even though we had such less time together there are so many things I already miss. The way she said “hi” is still pounding in my head and makes me miss her even more. There are places I can hardly go to cause they remind of being with her like that certain church where we shared our first real kiss and where I realized I was truly falling for her. I found one of her earrings yesterday in my bathroom, I put it into a small box to keep it until I can give it back to her the next time she comes over even though I know she won't. I can't deny the hurt she caused and it wasn't only me being affected by it. But mostly I can't deny the feelings I had and still have for Rebecca even if I tried. I remember how she said she would give her left arm to peek inside the codex, now I would give everything to have one more day with her. Nothing more but a single day to finally tell her all the things I've been too proud and too hurt to say when I still had the chance to. It is only a small hope to assume she might have known without hearing me sayin' it. The last time I spoke with her she said the decision to tell the truth about whom she was working for and everything else was her way of making amends for all the pain and loss she caused before. I know Rebecca was afraid but she was too stubborn to admit it to me. But truth is she didn't need to admit it cause I could see it in her eyes and I wish I could have done more to protect her. She made this dangerous decision because she wanted a new life, a new life that included not only her but also me and that makes it even harder to let her go. I know it might sound strange to people to say I love someone I barely knew but it is the truth. I love Rebecca and it leaves me heartbroken I will never hear her responding to it. There is some kind of comfort in the knowledge we both said it the last time we saw each other. So she had known she was and will be loved when she passed away too soon. And this is what I will remember of her – that I love her and have been loved in return. It may not be much what we have left but there are precious memories held in the view of a stained glass window, a certain bottle of wine, a starry summer night and in the early morning sun of a new day while I once had been observing her in her sleep. Love makes it even harder to say goodbye but maybe someday the pain will be nothing more than just a loving memory. Goodbye Rebecca, may you rest in peace wherever you are now. You're loved and you'll be missed.”  
Before Neal went back to his seat he looked again at Rebecca and he knew he was everything but definitely not ready to let her go. He softly stroked over her face and hair.  
“I can't let you go. It's too early and it's not fair. It wasn't your time yet. I wish I could get you back.”  
When he turned around again Neal saw Mozzie and Peter waiting for him with sympathetically expressions.  
“It's time, Neal,” Peter said and softly pushed him away from the coffin. While an instrumental version of “Amazing Grace” played the coffin got closed and they made their way over to the cemetery. Mozzie put a hand on Neal's shoulder to let him know he wasn't alone when Rebecca's coffin got lowered into the grave. He knew his best friends had seen too many graves like this one and each one contained persons he had been connected to. Mozzie knew this wasn't the right time for a smart quote or anything else so he stayed shut. They all had white peonies with them to throw them into the open grave. Neal was the last one and it was visible for everyone of them how shaken up and devastated he was by the way his hand was shaking when he let the flower drop onto the dark wood of the coffin.  
“Let's go home, mon frère.”  
“I want to be alone. You don't need to accompany me.”  
“You shouldn't be alone right now,” June stepped in, “I know days like these are horrible but I truly believe that our deceased loved ones would want us to celebrate and cherish the good memories we had with them. And I bet Rebecca would want the same.”  
“You think so?”  
“She loved you and I don't think she wants to see you suffer and blame yourself.”  
Neal looked at his friends who had become some kind of surrogate family over the years and slowly nodded before he followed them.


	2. Chapter 2

During the following days Neal refused to see anyone of his friends. He didn't go to work and also didn't answer his phone. After the third day June decided to make another attempt to talk to him. And this time there was a reason. But again Neal didn't open the door. Like he used to do most of the time he sat on his couch, looking at the box with Rebecca's earring in it. Since she passed away nothing really mattered to him. He knew his friends were only worried about him but they wouldn't be able to help. He didn't get up when it knocked on the door. “Neal, please open the door. Here is something you should see.” “It doesn't matter.” “It's okay if you don't let me in but I think you should read whatever is in this envelope. If you want to talk I'm downstairs. I leave the letter in front of your door.” Neal waited a few moments till he was sure June was gone. He got up and picked up the envelope. It came from Rebecca's lawyer. He wondered what was in there but put it aside first but after some time his curiosity became too big to ignore it any longer. He opened the envelope and found a handwritten letter in it. Neal recognized Rebecca's handwriting. He unfolded the paper and started to read.

 

 

_Dear Neal,_

_when you read this letter I won't be here anymore. Since I started to tell everything I knew about them and what happened I also knew which consequences this would have. I'm sorry it had to come this way and we didn't get the time we deserved. But there are some things I still need to tell you. Even if I was assigned to you it wasn't a con all the way. You know it was a set up how we met but the moment you involved me into all this at this fake FBI office I couldn't help myself and slowly fell for you for real. I slowed the whole operation down and let you find all the clues alone to have more time with you. I know it was foolish. It was also foolish to be tempted to reveal the truth more than once with the silly hope you would forgive me and we could be together. I was so close to tell you all about who I am and why I was assigned to you the moment you came clean to me. It really touched my heart you let your walls down and told me who you really are. Sadly I didn't have the courage to do the same but please believe me I wanted to._

_I wanted to thank you again for the sketch of the stain glass window and of the view from your patio. It always makes me smile when I look at them. I wish I could see those places for one more time but I know the chances are very limited but these sketches will make me never forget it._

_A lot of dreams will remain undreamed now. I wish they wouldn't because I know how much you sought a happy life with a family. You have invoked that dream in me and I really wish we would have had more time to live this dream. I want to ask you a favor. I want you to tell my parents about my death but don't tell them the gruesome things I did in the past. I am not proud of it and I want them to remember me in a good way. I don't want them to think they failed raising me. I haven't seen or spoken to them in years. Don't worry about what to tell them. I know you will find the right words. My lawyer will give you the address._

_And I want you to go on. Don't stop living. You have to live for the both of us now. Don't waste your time with revengeful thoughts. I know what I did and there is already enough blood on too many hands. I know it sounds so cliche like when I please you to allow yourself to love again but I really want you to. You have too much to give to stay bitter and grieving. I want you to be happy even though I already regret it won't be me by your side. But as long as you keep the memory of me alive I'll be by your side. I love you and I'm relieved I said it you when you were here. And even though I would have preferred another surrounding it was one of the happiest moments in my life to hear you responding to it. And I also know you already meant it when you said it the first time even though you planned to use it only as a distraction._

_I don't know if you're really aware of the impact you had on my life but you gave me a lot more than I ever would have expected to receive. I really wish we could have met on another terms and made it work out._

_In the envelope you find my favorite necklace. I want you to keep it and if you ever have a daughter I want you to give this necklace to her. It had been in my family for ages and since the chances for me to pass it on to my children I decided to give it to you. You have become the closest thing to a family I can recall for years and this necklace should be a lucky charm. I know you will think of giving it back to my parents but they don't have other children than me and this tradition would be lost. I know you might feel guilty for what will happen to me but it's not your fault or your responsibility. There never had been much options how my life could end since I stepped onto this path. But when I expected it the least I felt loved which had been such a rare feeling in my life. I'll be forever thankful for that. Do yourself a favor and don't cut your friends and colleagues out. You may think they don't know what you're going through but I know they care and are there for you. I know that when I've handed out this letter to my lawyer I will remember all the things I still wanted to tell you. But maybe you will know them no matter if I said or wrote them down. Even if we may not see each other again once I finished this letter I want you to know that I'm not giving up on any dream we had cause it's the thing that keeps me smiling and get through each day here._

_I love you Neal and this will never change._

_In love_

_Rebecca_

 

Neal put the letter on the table and after feeling numb for days he could finally cry again. He had tried to stay shut and not to feel anything. Of course he knew that this wasn't the right way to handle his grief but the pain seemed to be overwhelming. Rebecca was right – he felt guilty and blamed himself, the FBI, the MI5 and a lot more for not doing their best to protect her. It almost seemed like a curse to him that everyone he loved had to die way too soon. Rebecca had been right back then in that interrogation room when she said she could see through all his lies. It was the truth what she wrote about his feelings of guilt. And her knowledge of it made it easier for him to accept this massive amount of pain and he could finally start to grieve over her loss. Neal took her necklace out of the envelope and put it into the box with her earring. After crying for some time he got up, went over to his easel and started to sketch. After the first few lines it was easy to recognize Rebecca. Since she didn't have contact to her parents for several years they should at least catch a glimpse on how she looked and it shouldn't be pictures of her wearing an orange jumpsuit. It was easy for him to recall every single detail of her face. Neal spent hours on this sketch till he was satisfied with it. When he looked at it showing a slightly smiling Rebecca a small smile also appeared on his face. He knew it would take lots of time till the pain would have subsided or transformed into loving memory but at least it was worth a try. Neal turned the easel a bit around to the window. He knew it was a rubbish thought but since Rebecca had loved the view so much it felt right. Even though he missed her so much he knew she was finally free now and hopefully in a better place.


End file.
